I don’t really remember a specific time when I started having anxiety. It was kind of always there? Even now I have moments where I talk to people and I tell them what I think of or my thought processes and they just react with complete surprise.Things like if it’s a Tuesday then in my mind I’m thinking of what I have to do on Wednesday, which by then it’ll be in the middle of the week already, and then Thursday is the second last day of the week, and then Friday will be too late to send out any emails because no one reads emails on the weekend, and then it’ll be the weekend, which is only two days, and then it’s Monday again… and it goes on and on.
Slowly over the years i’ve learnt not to tell people what goes on in my head because most of the time it’s different than what goes on in theirs. There’s a look in their eyes I’ve gotten unwillingly familiar with, every time someone new realises I’m not like them. This sounds like some sad tumblr girl text post.
I used to be really anxious about talking to people but my partner is an extrovert and I’ve learnt a lot from him. I still hate small talk though. I never understood how people just talk? to other people? I stutter when I’m nervous and my hands shake so I clutch them together and I look like I’m praying.
My voice shakes too and I can feel my eyes kind of bug out. My face gets hot and I keep thinking of all the things the other person is doing. Like if they smile, is it because I said something stupid and they’re like ‘aw she’s so dumb’ or if their eyes look at parts of me is it because my hair is messy or I have a huge pimple or my lipstick is smudged or they can see me turning pale or they’re judging my outfit or my lack of knowledge… etc. so many reasons. In the end, I end up not really hearing what they’re saying because there’s like a million radio stations playing in my head at the same time
